So, I have in recent years fairly frequently made the decision to gain more weight without actually following through on this. I am not sure whether this is because I am not motivated – maybe I don’t want it badly enough – or whether other things are in the way. Maybe I just need a bit more help, although I’m not really sure how to get that. I think over the years, a lot of things have held me back from taking the plunge and really going for (what I know is really) recovery. One of those things is the confusion about which part of my mind to actually believe. I really struggle to know what is accurate. Do I need to gain weight, or am I actually ok? My GP has said things to suggest I’m ok and things to suggest I’m not. I know the numbers, so I know I’m underweight. I know what my old dietitian would say if she were still seeing me. I know I’m quite far away from the weight she wanted me at. I also know how I feel, which is that most of the time is huge, and I wish my weight were lower. Continue reading

“You know, I’ve been thinking, you should try to eat the same way you’d want your future daughter to eat”. Those were the wise words of my partner recently. We had been discussing my never ending plan to improve my diet and gain the weight I (apparently) need to. Which I always talk about but never seem to do anything about. I had been explaining my reasons for making poor food choices which apart from anything else, now just seem to be habits. Not that changing them doesn’t make me anxious, because it does. Continue reading

I was recently struck by a post by Emily Troscianko on her blog A Hunger Artist. In it, she talks about the importance of gaining weight to a fully healthy level (ie. to or above BMI 19) in order to fully recover from anorexia. Weight gain is a necessity, not an optional extra. Remaining underweight, is a way of appeasing the anorexia and leaves us ‘stuck’ in it. I suppose some people would say if a person remains underweight, they are in fact still ‘eating disordered’. It’s something I struggle to reconcile. I am still underweight and my eating habits aren’t ‘normal’, but they are normal for me and I can still work, run, talk to people and get on with life. Continue reading