I want to talk about eating disorders and trauma. The more distance I get from anorexia, the more I notice much of the way in which the anorexic ‘voice’ mirrors that of an a dominating bully, someone who doesn’t really want the best for us and wants to terrify or freeze us into submission. Or […]
I increasingly find myself wanting to make sense of how I was able to (mostly) function as well I did, even when actually very caught up in anorexia. And why both my sister and I, in our own individual ways, seem to have found ways to build on some of our natural strengths, to connect […]
I’m coming to the end of a good few weeks in Day Service. And this time I’ve done some of the things I wanted to do over a year ago and didn’t manage. Behaviour changes. Weight gain. Food rules. And what strikes me is how messy the process has felt so far, and how lost […]
I think of anorexia as a bit like ivy. In the same way that ivy works itself so well into a wall, that you don’t realise what a good job it’s done until you try to remove it, anorexia creeps into everything. It takes up all your space. Anorexia edges into the existing vulnerabilities that […]
As the Power-Threat-Meaning framework is launched today it seemed fitting to repost a version of something I wrote a year or so ago when I first heard about it. For a good while now, I’ve viewed my ‘stuff’ through a ‘social/trauma’ lens, very aware of the impact of power, difficult relational experiences and what could be […]
Your definition of recovery can change as you move through the process. Mine definitely has. I said recently to someone that I think my initial definition of ‘recovered’ was quite ‘anorexic’ in that I thought I’d eat differently (more food, more variety, higher calorie foods) until I reached a healthy weight range and then go back […]
Someone asked me recently whether I would ever consider not calling my eating disorder a ‘disorder’, given that I also describe it as a way of surviving in the midst of difficult circumstances. The suggestion was, I think, that if a particular strategy develops as a means of coping, then at one time, it was useful, and needs to be recognised as a sign of resourcefulness – and a resource. What we call ‘anorexia’, even at it’s worst, did to some degree allow me to cope emotionally, I was able to study, to work – even if I wasn’t able to do much else. I was consumed by numbers and emotionally numbed, and at one time, that helped. Perhaps it was even necessary. Eating disorders often develop in a context of difficult feelings. There is always a story behind ‘I’m fat’.
‘I feel fat’. It’s something most (not all) people with an eating disorder diagnosis can relate to, and often it can be a real barrier to making progress in recovery. If you feel ‘fat’, how can you possibly allow yourself more food, more rest, or to consider the possibility that weight gain might actually be a good thing? Continue reading
To begin with, a caveat. I’m obviously not saying that spending most of your formative years in an environment dominated by alcohol (or any other form of out of control behaviour/violence/aggression) is ideal. Not even close. The impact of addiction within families is often under recognised or dismissed and it is something I’d want to protect any child from at all costs. However, I do […]
Being a mental health professional, or social work professional, who also experiences mental health problems. It’s tricky. People outside of services judge, and so do people within services. It raises all kinds of questions about shame.
I think this is something that has partially shifted for me within the last year. I’ve written before about not being able to sit in the waiting room at the eating disorder service because of the fear of bumping into my colleagues. Being in day service has forced me to face this fear, and now, I care a lot less if I do see someone from work in the building. I do see people, and it’s still uncomfortable, but I don’t actively hide anymore. Maybe it’s just exposure over time, or maybe it’s because I’m a little more accepting of my own difficulties, or perhaps it’s the ongoing acceptance of (and openness with) those who do know, love and respect me, that makes the possible judgement of others a bit easier to bear. Continue reading