It may sound ridiculous but I struggle hugely to prioritise meal times. It’s more difficult in the busyness of work, but even at weekends, I find that it can be 2pm and I haven’t thought about lunch. Is it an ‘eating disorder’ excuse? Maybe. I need to find a way to prioritise eating and to hold myself accountable when my plan doesn’t happen. Somehow the monitoring I am doing is not enough and I still find myself skipping bits, leaving bits or not giving myself enough to begin with. It’s so automatic I don’t always recognise I’m doing it at the time. People say my portion sizes are still too small but I don’t really agree with that. They are way bigger than before. But I’ve been living by different rules for a long time, and it’s a hard attitude to shift. I have to find a way of doing what I need to do, even when I’m in a frame of mind where I really don’t want to.
Soooo goals for this week:
- Full meal plan (and believe me, it’s a LOT at the moment – don’t judge me)
- STILL no exercise (increasingly difficult but, for now, I’m sticking with it)
- More calorie dense foods – ‘braver choices’ (so, lemon cake, chocolate)
- A goal around reducing body checking
Mentally, I have to remind myself that although I’m better than I have been for a long time, I am still not ‘well’. This doesn’t feel like the truth, at all, I don’t think other people see it like this either, especially not those who think I looked fine before, but regardless I have to accept it as true.
At the moment I do need to speed up the rate at which I am gaining weight. So, ‘extra’ calories are as necessary now as they were when my BMI was lower. Again this flies in the face of what I really think but I have to go with it. I guess the therapist I am seeing wouldn’t be encouraging me to gain weight if I didn’t need it. And logically, I do know the numbers.
On a broader level, this is also about meeting a normal human requirement for nourishment. It feels excessive and indulgent and too much. But perhaps there is something about allowing my body what it needs. Even if I do hate that it needs that or feel like it shouldn’t.
I know it shouldn’t be this difficult. But it is. It’s as though a part of my mind really doesn’t want me to gain and is fighting hard to keep me stuck. So, let’s see shall we.